Writer's Block

I am experiencing it and it bites

Boiling Point

How's the weather? Up, down, hot, cold, makes for one active cold and flu season. I for one have had some sort of head cold for the past week and I have a lot of you and your family have been going through the same thing. It made me think.....what's stopping me for getting away? I have a car for the first time in over a year. I have somewhat steady income and possible access to housing in destin. I guess my fear is that I CAN'T RUN! People seem go on vacation when things are bleak only to come back and find a pile of work that wasn't accomplished while away. Do we feel better? Yes, but for how long? One of my favorite songs says I'm hanging on to a line from a sailboat oh Nautical Wheeler set me free. Take me somewhere where there's a beach and a boat and I'll forget life for as long as I'm there. When I come back I find myself in the same funk I was in when I left. Am I saying vacations are pointless? No. I'm saying we need more of them. To savor every moment of them for we never know when the next opportunity will arise.

The Beginnings

The days were chaotic at Chast and the residents never made it easier. The staff somehow managed to keep their sanity while helping others regain their own. I was one of those residents and my life was filled with temptation and greed which landed me here. Chast was the best in the country when it came to rehabilitatio...n and I was fortunate to be there. My family was one of dischord and I was the misfit. My father died when I was two and my mother chose a life that was unhealthy to say the least. I was the third child in a family of eight and from the age of twelve I was left to fend for myself. Life on the streets came naturally to me and I welcomed the life with open arms. Had I known at the time such a life would land me here I may have chose a different path.I have been a resident here since July 21, 2008. I was just fifteen when I found myself here and though I knew why I was here I refused to admit my dire need for help. Life in the past three years had taught me to trust no one and to expect th worst and that's just how Chast made me feel. I was one of hundreds of hundreds of residents and each of us had our quirks. My roommate was a recovering pyromaniac who was three months into a two year court ordered recovery program. Our wing housed the most dangerous of all the residents and the staff was well aware of that fact. Nightly bed checks and random searches made life intersting in the north wing of Chast. Being the new guy in a place like Chast comes with certain pitfalls. You must keep focused at all times for you never know what slightest word or simple request will make you the target of an angry mob of veteran residents. I made the mistake the second day I was here of speaking to a gang banger the result of which put me in a medical bay for a week with a fractured jaw. As time progressed I grew to know the cliques and whom not to cross which in a place like this is virtually everyone. I was accustomed to being on my own and the transition to rehab was a diificult one, but come what may I knew I had to make some major changes.Chapter OneAugust in Louisiana was unbearable and add humidity you feel like laying in bed all day, but at Chast each day was regemented. Long group therapy sessions followed by meals and showers could not have been farther than what I wanted to be doing with my time but as I recall my last days with my mother dreams of a happy reunion made me worked through what seemed endless. While I was a violent person my roommate Gerry made me seem tame. Gerry came from a broken home. His father verbally and physically abused both he and his mom. By the age of sixteen he had a criminal history that included battery, robbery and attempted murder.
Among the ward were hundreds of split personalities who's only objective it seems was to disrupt the already chaotic atmosphere. My first therapy session was quite intense. The grusome stories of murder and drugs only made my fear grow and I also realized these group sessions weren't for us, but rather for the saf...ety if the staff. I snapped back to reality and there stood a man of at least six feet recalling how a toxin laced shoot-up left him waking two days later here with a broken arm and looking for revenge. " That scum deserves to die and want to be the one to finish him!" the man grunted. The doctor stepped in, "now, now Louis you know it's unhealthy to speak like that." Louis shot her a look that screamed rage and with that he stormed off. "Dr. Garrison" another resident said "don't you realize by now he doesn't respond well to scolding." Although relatively new here I had to agree with him. After all it was Louis who put me in the infirmary when I arrived. I moved on as did the therapy session, but I did not speak. I do not show my feelings. Lunch time came and I got my food as usual and went to my corner. "Hello there," someone said from behind, "name's Henry mind if I sit here?" He was an unfmiliar face so I shrugged and he sat next to me. He went on telling me how his wife kicked him out and would only accept his return on the condition he come here and work on his violent mood swings. Wanting to make a friend I introduced myself as Doug and retold my story for the umpteenth time since my arrival. We exchanged stories and the time flew by. I knew this man could help me by helping himself. I knew if I wanted a successful life I would have to make the same changes and life had given me a fifteen year head start and now was the time to start mending bridges.

The Scene

Adrift upon the ocean strea mwith nothing else to see
I lie back in my wodden boat
and dream myself a scene
A wife, two kids, one boy one girl
a yard a little dog
sitting 'long the countryside
our cabin made of log
We sit out on the swing each day
to watch the rising sun
and do the same as nighttime falls
when all our work is donewe go inside arm in arm
we see our children play
then up the stairs and off to bed
it's time to end our day
together in each others arms
side by side we lay we kiss and then it's off to sleep'til starts another day
I wake up rescued on the shore
thus ends my little scene
I rush off to the city streets
and try to find my dream.

My Other Side

When I'm with you you bring to me
a side that i coud never see
a side that stands tall and strong
a side for you will always long
My other side you sing to me
like a perfect melody
i hear the music you play the verse
and i never ever fear the worst.
This same side still will by you stand
now and forever I am your man
This side I've never seen before
and for this you I now adore
I never saw this side of me
til you showed me what I could be.

Run and Hide

This poem i write i say at the start
comes from the very depths of my heart
I love you true and very dear
it kills me so that you aren't near.
Beacuse of this i'm so afraid
that you will leave me any day
Wish you were close and not so far
I wish that i could see those stars
The stars that shine in your eyes for me
those same stars I cannot see.
I hope to see what you see in me
then my heart would fill with glee.
I love you so with all my heart
I loved you such at the start.
I know I'm anxious and so afraid
afriad that you would run away.
Until I can see this side you see
I may have to run and hide with me
Hide in my shell so you can't see
me running away from me.

ABC's of love

A - Amorous feelings when you look in their eyes
B - Bringing you joy in both of you lives.
C - Caring so much it can almost hurt
D - Dating and loving more than your worth
E - Enjoying evey second spent with that one
F - Feeling so happy always having fun
G - Gushing with emotions about your deep love
H - Happy you found them with help from above
I - Intense Love and feelings so true
J - Calling just to say I love you
K - Keep their memories close to your heart
L - Loving so much life can't wait to start
M - Missing that one who's so far away
N - Needing to hear that voice every single day
O - Only one love can feel so true
P - Praying that they say I love you too
Q - Quickly falling with all of your heart
R - Ready to start never being apart
S - Slowly, but surely know they're the one
T - The feeling you get when you know you've begun
U - Understanding and helping their emotional needs
V - Veering your course to make them pleased
W - Wanting to get married as soon as you can
X - eXploring your love as far as it goes
Y - Yearing to go as far as it goes
Z - Zealous love, pure and true
These are the ABC's of love so true follow them close it'll happen to you.

Highs and Lows

Meeting new people that become good friends,
Building those friendships never to end.
Going new places and seeing new sights
Looking at the sky on those starry nights
Buying that one thing you've wanted all your life
Never having to worry bout sorrow and strife.

Losing dear loved ones to our enemy death
Waiting again for those to take a breath
Crying over lost love and crying about pain
Crying over everything lost in Kartina's Rain
Waiting for that someone for you to come along
Thinking bout that past someone when you hear your song
These are but some of the highs and lows in life you'll come across
Never should you give up though, if you do the race is lost.

Life

Life is sunshine life is rain
Life is happiness life is pain
Life is good and great to live
Live is a like a gift to give
Life is love when you find that one
Life is love even with none
Life is sad and sometimes blue
Life is good and also true
Life is a gift we've all be given
So live your life while you're livin

Nice Guys

To every guy that regrets hurting or losing her.
To every guy who knows which girl he wants.
To every guy that's said, "You're beautiful."
To every guy that was never too busy to drive across town (or across the state or states) to see her.
To every guy that gives flowers and a card when she is sick.
To every guy who has given her flowers just because.
To every guy that said he would die for her.
To every guy that really would.
To every guy that did what she wanted to do.
To every guy that cried in front of her.
To every guy that she cried in front of.
o every guy that holds hands with her.
To every guy that kisses her with meaning.
To every guy that hugs her when she's sad.
To every guy that hugs her for no reason at all.
To every guy who would give their jacket up for her.
To every guy that calls to make sure she got home safe.
To every guy that would sit and wait for her for hours just to see her for ten minutes.
To every guy that would give his seat up.
To every guy that just wants to cuddle.
To every guy that reassured her that she was beautiful no matter what.
To every guy who told his secrets to her.
To every guy that tried to show how much he cared through every word and every breath.
To every guy that thought maybe this could be the one.
To every guy that believed in her dreams.
To every guy that would have done anything so she could achieve them.
To every guy that never laughed at her when she told him her dreams.
To every guy that walked her to her car.
To every guy that gave his heart.
To every guy who prays that she is happy even if you are not with her.
To the guys out there who know with out a doubt that she is the one
To every guy who has been cheated on but still believes she is the one or she can change.
I was this guy and I lost what I had. Now I'm just hoping and praying I can find it again in someone else.

Gerry, Me and Henry make 3

As the days went by Henry came to be a person I trusted and my trust was not easy to gain. He always knew what to say and defended me even if it came to blows with other residents. Today was no exception. Stormy weather made for lockdown conditions and a tense atmosphere among Chast's ward's. 8am I awoke to the sight of a bare-chested Gerry pacing back and forth our room muttering something about his ex-wife and alimony. The thought that he was this worked up this early made me think about my own safety for the first time since I have been here. 9am came and the weather was slowly getting worse, tornado warnings and hail were being reported all around Central Louisiana and I couldn't help but think of where I'd be if I weren't here.

11am: Therapy time. Henry led things off he told the rest of the group the same stories he told me the day before, but today he added detailed information that made my stomach churn. " I beat by wife so bad she got 38 stiches in the cheek and I broke her arm just to prove I could," he started, "she was in the hospital 10 days and every day I made sure to go down there and yell at her for not being home, taking care of her 'wifely' duties." "Thank you Henry," Dr. Garrison began, "Now Benjamin, would you like to share your story?" This was the moment I feared... my time to open up, my time to show emotion, something I did not know how to do. I declined and I could hear the disappointment in Dr. Garrison's voice as she moved on. Lunch came and today it was a rather unappealing lump of meat that resembled something you would serve to a dog rather a human, inhumane though we may be. I took my tray and found Henry sitting with Gerry. I wondered if Henry knew Gerry's story, but then again he didn't know mine when he came to me. I joined them sitting on the side opposite Gerry and I listened in amazement as they compared notes as it were, see who, if any had bragging rights. I then chimed in with my two cents and Gerry flew at me in a fit of rage. It took two workers and Henry to hold him down and be sedated. Henry later told me Gerry had little respect for youth since a 15 year old gang-banger killed his daughter in cold blood for no reason. I then knew the Gerry was my next project. I wanted to show him that even though I was here for a violent crime people can change and while I was far from fixed I had at least begun my trek and for that wanted his respect.

The rest of the day flew by as Henry and I played cards with other residents and they allowed us to watch some "safe" tv since we were unable to go outside all day long. I laughed at the notion of "safe" tv. What were they trying to shelter us from? We were after all violent offenders all 104 of us in my ward. Dinner came and there was Henry, but no Gerry. I joined Henry at his table and to my suprise Gerry joined us. He and Henry discussed the events of earlier that day and how Gerry should not compare me to that deliquent who murdered his daughter. Gerry just kept eating. I knew that Gerry had issues with me and I don't blame him. Were I in his shoes I probably would have gone at me too. Night fell and we were ordered to our rooms and as we layed there in the dark I hear "kid, Henry told me to apologize." "Ok." I replied. It wasn't heartfelt, but it was a start.