More of the story

The next morning was an eventful one. Gerry, who had been at best ignoring me to all end, suddenly opened up. I wonder what Henry did to make that happen. Regardless, I took advangtage of this newfound kindness and let my guard down to gain the trust of this once frightening man. In therapy I opened up about my childhood for the first time. I told of my father's death and how hard it was growing up in my house and all the excuses I used to get away. The ward suddenly seemed less tense with that weight off my shoulder and Dr. Garrison, I could tell, was proud that I was able to open my fences to these violent strangers. At lunch Henry cornered me and lauded my bravery. It was in futility for all I saw was an empty attempt at generousity. We got 2 new members in the ward that evening and I looked forward to their stories tomorrow, but for now I go to bed and for the first time since I have been here I slept soundly.

Writer's Block

I am experiencing it and it bites

Boiling Point

How's the weather? Up, down, hot, cold, makes for one active cold and flu season. I for one have had some sort of head cold for the past week and I have a lot of you and your family have been going through the same thing. It made me think.....what's stopping me for getting away? I have a car for the first time in over a year. I have somewhat steady income and possible access to housing in destin. I guess my fear is that I CAN'T RUN! People seem go on vacation when things are bleak only to come back and find a pile of work that wasn't accomplished while away. Do we feel better? Yes, but for how long? One of my favorite songs says I'm hanging on to a line from a sailboat oh Nautical Wheeler set me free. Take me somewhere where there's a beach and a boat and I'll forget life for as long as I'm there. When I come back I find myself in the same funk I was in when I left. Am I saying vacations are pointless? No. I'm saying we need more of them. To savor every moment of them for we never know when the next opportunity will arise.

The Beginnings

The days were chaotic at Chast and the residents never made it easier. The staff somehow managed to keep their sanity while helping others regain their own. I was one of those residents and my life was filled with temptation and greed which landed me here. Chast was the best in the country when it came to rehabilitatio...n and I was fortunate to be there. My family was one of dischord and I was the misfit. My father died when I was two and my mother chose a life that was unhealthy to say the least. I was the third child in a family of eight and from the age of twelve I was left to fend for myself. Life on the streets came naturally to me and I welcomed the life with open arms. Had I known at the time such a life would land me here I may have chose a different path.I have been a resident here since July 21, 2008. I was just fifteen when I found myself here and though I knew why I was here I refused to admit my dire need for help. Life in the past three years had taught me to trust no one and to expect th worst and that's just how Chast made me feel. I was one of hundreds of hundreds of residents and each of us had our quirks. My roommate was a recovering pyromaniac who was three months into a two year court ordered recovery program. Our wing housed the most dangerous of all the residents and the staff was well aware of that fact. Nightly bed checks and random searches made life intersting in the north wing of Chast. Being the new guy in a place like Chast comes with certain pitfalls. You must keep focused at all times for you never know what slightest word or simple request will make you the target of an angry mob of veteran residents. I made the mistake the second day I was here of speaking to a gang banger the result of which put me in a medical bay for a week with a fractured jaw. As time progressed I grew to know the cliques and whom not to cross which in a place like this is virtually everyone. I was accustomed to being on my own and the transition to rehab was a diificult one, but come what may I knew I had to make some major changes.Chapter OneAugust in Louisiana was unbearable and add humidity you feel like laying in bed all day, but at Chast each day was regemented. Long group therapy sessions followed by meals and showers could not have been farther than what I wanted to be doing with my time but as I recall my last days with my mother dreams of a happy reunion made me worked through what seemed endless. While I was a violent person my roommate Gerry made me seem tame. Gerry came from a broken home. His father verbally and physically abused both he and his mom. By the age of sixteen he had a criminal history that included battery, robbery and attempted murder.
Among the ward were hundreds of split personalities who's only objective it seems was to disrupt the already chaotic atmosphere. My first therapy session was quite intense. The grusome stories of murder and drugs only made my fear grow and I also realized these group sessions weren't for us, but rather for the saf...ety if the staff. I snapped back to reality and there stood a man of at least six feet recalling how a toxin laced shoot-up left him waking two days later here with a broken arm and looking for revenge. " That scum deserves to die and want to be the one to finish him!" the man grunted. The doctor stepped in, "now, now Louis you know it's unhealthy to speak like that." Louis shot her a look that screamed rage and with that he stormed off. "Dr. Garrison" another resident said "don't you realize by now he doesn't respond well to scolding." Although relatively new here I had to agree with him. After all it was Louis who put me in the infirmary when I arrived. I moved on as did the therapy session, but I did not speak. I do not show my feelings. Lunch time came and I got my food as usual and went to my corner. "Hello there," someone said from behind, "name's Henry mind if I sit here?" He was an unfmiliar face so I shrugged and he sat next to me. He went on telling me how his wife kicked him out and would only accept his return on the condition he come here and work on his violent mood swings. Wanting to make a friend I introduced myself as Doug and retold my story for the umpteenth time since my arrival. We exchanged stories and the time flew by. I knew this man could help me by helping himself. I knew if I wanted a successful life I would have to make the same changes and life had given me a fifteen year head start and now was the time to start mending bridges.

The Scene

Adrift upon the ocean strea mwith nothing else to see
I lie back in my wodden boat
and dream myself a scene
A wife, two kids, one boy one girl
a yard a little dog
sitting 'long the countryside
our cabin made of log
We sit out on the swing each day
to watch the rising sun
and do the same as nighttime falls
when all our work is donewe go inside arm in arm
we see our children play
then up the stairs and off to bed
it's time to end our day
together in each others arms
side by side we lay we kiss and then it's off to sleep'til starts another day
I wake up rescued on the shore
thus ends my little scene
I rush off to the city streets
and try to find my dream.

My Other Side

When I'm with you you bring to me
a side that i coud never see
a side that stands tall and strong
a side for you will always long
My other side you sing to me
like a perfect melody
i hear the music you play the verse
and i never ever fear the worst.
This same side still will by you stand
now and forever I am your man
This side I've never seen before
and for this you I now adore
I never saw this side of me
til you showed me what I could be.

Run and Hide

This poem i write i say at the start
comes from the very depths of my heart
I love you true and very dear
it kills me so that you aren't near.
Beacuse of this i'm so afraid
that you will leave me any day
Wish you were close and not so far
I wish that i could see those stars
The stars that shine in your eyes for me
those same stars I cannot see.
I hope to see what you see in me
then my heart would fill with glee.
I love you so with all my heart
I loved you such at the start.
I know I'm anxious and so afraid
afriad that you would run away.
Until I can see this side you see
I may have to run and hide with me
Hide in my shell so you can't see
me running away from me.